Sadness Versus Anger - What Promotes Change?

I found this quote tonight (but there is no author cited)  http://www.coolnsmart.com/sad_quotes/. 

"Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."

At first glance, this seems to make sense. We can all agree that when we show an increased degree of assertive/aggressive emotion, we tend to take action. Is it accurate to say this quote compares sadness with anger? By the author's definition, what makes them different?

The author implies that sadness renders us inactive while anger drives us to take the lead. So let's take a look into our past and choose a time when we remember feeling very sad, and ponder that experience for a moment. Did our sadness render us immobile or move us into action? Chances are, sadness made us feel weak. In this light, does sadness equal weakness while anger equals strength?

Does the author suggest that sadness cripples us, while anger strengthens us?

Since anger, most of the time, is a result of losing one's sense of intellectual capacity for understanding the whole picture, I may not agree that anger is a basis for strength. That being said, allowing anger to be the driving force behind change does not necessarily make it worthy of anything more than a reactive response with an unstable outcome because extreme emotions tend to lack logical reasoning. 

Setting anger aside, let's look at sadness. What is sadness and what is its function? Is it the equivalent of feeling pain from a flesh wound? If so, then we should first evaluate how to deal with the pain before we can  move in a forward direction. A wound needs treatment, so whether it is physical or emotional, retreating to a safe haven is the only natural thing to do. Does this define sadness as a weakness or a gravitation toward self preservation?  Does this represent an incapacity or does it represent intellectual reasoning?  If it is intellectual reasoning, then sadness boils down to an absorption of unwelcome input. It is not a fragility at all.

We instinctively know not to take action until our wounds are tended to, which means we wait until we grow stronger. At this point, it is healthier not to allow anger alone to motivate us toward making change, but the acceptance of reality. A good dose of self honesty can move us into a powerful type of action. Honesty and the acknowledgement of principles, which I believe are reason without dependance on emotion; truth that stands alone without need for condemnation.  Principles are the perception of what is right, without the reliance on anger. Actions based on principles are more deliberate in nature and generally have a stable outcome because they have been thought out more carefully. So quite possibly, change takes place as a desire to heal wounds, rather than being motivated by anger.

How DO We Have a Great Relationship?

What I really would like to know is - just what is a "great" relationship? How does one (particularly, a middle-aged woman) go about having one? Do we have to read countless manuals and psychology reports before arriving at "that station", because it's sure not like buying ice cream!

All too often, in the midst of situations, I hear my mother's voice, wet with exasperation, waving her arms up in the air, asking an age-old question, "Why does everything always have to be so complicated?"

Well, do relationships really have to be? I believe, because people have told me so, that when two people are mutually attracted to each other on multiple levels that relationships should be simple. Maybe if  people would stop trying so hard to reach idealistic goals...like the ones that don't require any effort or forethought, their relationship values would increase.  A "happily ever after" scenario is the same as visualizing ourselves wearing skinny jeans and tight shirts and giving no thought to making the effort required to get the weight off.

So how much work or effort do we have to put out? Does it have to be hard? Maybe if we try to live one day at a time and keep life simple...maybe if we take smaller steps, we can arrive someplace that feels safe. (However, I definitely advocate reading literature about controlling our emotions and understanding ourselves). When we practice to embrace love instead of fear, we move forward.

Let's pretend great relationships could be based on...say...ten simple rules. Maybe they would read like this:

Rule #1 - Wake up, thank God you're alive, and feel grateful. (No whining).
Rule #2 - Vow to be kind to yourself that day. (No self-flagellation).
Rule #3 - Look at those near you and realize they are a child of God, just like you. (No snarling).
Rule #4 - Remember, they are like you, but they are NOT you, so respect their differences. (No criticizing).
Rule #5 - Embrace the fact that all of us aim to have a good day. (Get outside of yourself).
Rule #6 - Enable others to have that privilege by vowing to convey a positive, respectful attitude with them.  (Open your heart).
Rule #7 - Listen well, and listen more. (Be forgiving).
Rule #8 - Offer positive, honest feedback, rather than silence. Mind reading is impossible, so let your loving  heart be known. (Speak sincerely).
Rule #9 - Search for ways (and be creative) to act as a giver, as well as being a gracious receiver. (Be humble).
Rule #10 - Remember, you will always have more to learn. (Be a student).

If we were to read, much less follow, these rules every day, how could we have anything but a great relationship with our partner (if we ever find one)?

The "Swim Lessons" of Life

Everyone knows if you throw a dog in water, it's part of their instincts to start paddling. If it isn't, well then, don't throw them in the water again because they'll probably drown. There are dogs that just aren't swimmers, that's all.

Growing up in a large family in the 60's, we used that same simple logic on everything. Needless to say, we all learned to swim. I learned from watching and listening to what other swimmers were saying, and besides, it felt awful to snort and cough water out of my nose. There was my ego too, of course. Being the last of six kids, I was under some major pressure to prove I could do what they could do.

Those were real swimming lessons. That style of learning set the stage for many other lessons too. Like knowing you'll get blackmailed if you tell on your brother who tricked you into burning your fingers off, for example.

No matter what the issue was, the true nature of cause and effect always came to the forefront; there was no escaping the consequences. It boiled down to simply choosing which consequence you could live with.

When I became a parent myself, working all sorts of long hours, and keeping up with the daily chores, I found myself relying on that same simple logic to spill over onto my children.

So, as often as I could, I took them to the lake, river, and city pools every summer. Of course, I didn't join them in the water all that much because I didn't like how I looked in a bathing suit, and at the time, I smoked too much. Regardless,  I still felt like I was doing the right thing by providing them with the opportunity to swim.

Fast forward...

My daughter-in-law (who was on a school swim team) informed me, quite frankly, that my son can't swim.

My mind went into a panic (Oh my God! Wow! How did that happen....? I thought I set the stage for him...how did I not know that?)

In my bewilderment, I responded slowly, saying that I guess he must not have wanted to swim very badly or he probably would have figured it out.

Well, needless to say, I fell from grace (assuming I ever had any with her to begin with) and my poor neglected son...well...how could I have done that to him?

I seriously felt bad, questioning and doubting my abilities as a parent. My lack of knowing that my own son couldn't swim, certainly had to be grounds to prove me as an unworthy and inferior mother. (Especially since I was raised Catholic, the remorse was difficult to bear). I struggled deeply with it.

A month later, I read on Face Book where my daughter-in-law posted that my son "never stood a chance" because I never gave him swim lessons. (Uh oh.. now the world knows...) She publicly "told on me".

...But wait!

Wait just a minute...I did too give him swim lessons! I gave him the same lessons I was given and they worked for me, and all of the kids I knew. I didn't know people gave formal swim lessons back then, (for crying out loud) any more than I figured you needed to teach a dog to swim.

I've since absolved myself of that awful guilt, and actually I feel deeply grateful. If my daughter-in-law wants to teach my son how to swim, I think that's really cool. I believe he will love it (as I thought he already had) and all will be remedied.

Either way, the old saying "sink or swim" became popular for a reason...

It's always been and always will be, one of the best lessons I have ever had.

No, We Are Not Born Alone...Nor Do We Die Alone...

When raindrops fall from the sky, though they may fall independently, they are all a part of the same molecular structure. When they are grouped together, they unite without hesitation and simply form a bigger drop of water (unless there are opposing molecular structures trying to mix in). The larger the drop of water, the more power they have to survive.

Humans are the same way. We appear to come into this world alone and die alone, but that perception is only an illusion. Since, as humans, we are made up of the same molecular structure, we are just as connected to each other as water droplets are connected to a pond, lake, or ocean, and our connection determines our survival.

All of the elements of the earth work together in some natural way. There is no purpose for dirt without plants, plants without water, water without sun...  Therefore, there is also no purpose for humans to stand alone. Procreation is not a singular act. It is no different than two droplets of water uniting to form a larger droplet.

Therefore, it is the individual human mind that creates its own story of aloneness, out of the need, desire, or a teaching that the individual is unique in some unnatural way. 

Picture an individual droplet of water, shunning the other droplets of water, believing it is different...and unique.
How different would that water droplet have to be, in order to make its uniqueness a reality? What role would that difference play in it's existence as a singular droplet of water? 

As humans, we may have unique fingerprints; however, since they can be removed, their role is small in the scheme of life. Our survival skills make us different, but those traits cannot qualify as unique or separate. Since the law of nature teaches us that opposites attract, stronger humans help weaker humans survive.

From an expanded perspective, humans are all the same, and therefore connected in both the physical world and the spiritual world. So what would make us separate in the spiritual world if it were not purely individual perception? Do the stories we create in our minds, for whatever reason, solely determine whether we live a life feeling connected or feeling alone?

If we visualize our hearts uniting as humans, in the same way droplets of water unite, there is no deliberate  purpose for anyone to be spiritually alone.

The concept of being born alone and dying alone is just another illusion of the human ego.

Really...What is Forgiveness?

What does forgiveness really mean?  I have read hundreds of accounts of what it is and what it isn't. But when I read this message posted on the A.C.A's website, I knew it was the most powerful description ever! We may not all be able to relate to the author, but we can all relate to his heartfelt words...


Humans are humans. We have always been and always will remain interconnected; therefore, to fight that truth is to voluntarily suffer...

Abraham Lincoln on Having a Forgiving Spirit.

 

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. For too long, every ounce of forgiveness I owned was locked away, hidden from view, waiting for me to bestow its precious presence upon some worthy person. Alas, I found most people to be singularly unworthy of my valuable forgiveness, and since they never asked for any, I kept it all for myself. Now, the forgiveness that I hoarded has sprouted inside my heart like a crippled seed yielding bitter fruit. No more. At this moment, my life has taken on new hope and assurance. Of all the world’s population, I am one of the few possessors of the secret to dissipating anger and resentment. I now understand that forgiveness has value only when it is given away. By the simple act of granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing, and I create in myself a new heart, a new beginning. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

"I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person. I have wasted valuable hours imagining revenge or confusion. Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe. The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense. I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it. By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts. I give up my bitterness. I am content in my soul and effective again with my fellow man.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly. Knowing that slavery in any form is wrong, I also know that the person who lives a life according to the opinion of others is a slave. I am not a slave. I have chosen my counsel.

"I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what is best for the future of my family, and neither misguided opinion nor unjust criticism will alter my course. Those who are critical of my goals and dreams simply do not understand the higher purpose to which I have been called. Therefore, their scorn does not affect my attitude or action. I forgive their lack of vision, and I forge ahead. I now know that criticism is part of the price paid for leaping past mediocrity.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself. For many years, my greatest enemy has been myself. Every mistake, every miscalculation, every stumble I made has been replayed again and again in my mind. Every broken promise, every day wasted, every goal not reached has compounded the disgust I feel for the lack of achievement in my life.

"My dismay has developed a paralyzing grip. When I disappoint myself, I respond with inaction and become more disappointed. I realize today that it is impossible to fight an enemy living in my head. By forgiving myself, I erase the doubts, fears, and frustration that have kept my past in the present. From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny.

"I have forgiven myself.

"My life has just begun.

"I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness.

"I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly.

"I will forgive myself.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit."

-- Abraham Lincoln